Wow, September has been intense! Full Moon Lunar eclipse, Mercury Retrograde, the equinox of fall…. Sun is now in Libra and the moon is about to follow, taking us into the lessons and wisdoms of Balance; balancing right-left, masculine-feminine, right-wrong etc. Libra also speaks of our relations through which we see ourselves. I can only pray that Balance is starting to establish now as I try to decode all the lessons that have been thrown at me during these last weeks.
September last year gave me an interesting view on Sisterhood and the act of Balancing the masculine-feminine energies in our ways to meet each other. We have so much to heal still….
In short, the story is this: I asked a friend for advice and help, which she gladly gave me and was willing to commit doing. After a few days, however, she changed her tune (literally) and sent me a message completely different from how she normally communicates. In linguistics, her regular behavior would be termed “female language”, using a lot of smileys/emoticons, hedges, emotional vocabulary/expressions and vague or unclear formulations (now, this term refers to the polarity of the feminine energy rather than gender but has been wrongly named due to the studies made showing mostly women using it. Obviously everybody uses this kind of communication from time to time.)
So, the message I now got was instead short, firm, and specific, written in clear sentences and without a single emoticon. It said that she needed to charge for her services, as they were part of her profession rather than just helping me out. I could clearly see that this energy management from her side was something she needed to practice and, thus, understood where this shift came from. I also saw how she suddenly moved into the masculine energy in her communication- to the extreme polarity and thereby used it in an unbalanced way to get her message across. She sounded harsh and distinct, separated.
This example is one of many that I have encountered with sisters and within the sisterhood. Sadly, it seems like the feminine power has been so downgraded and suppressed that the norm is to see feminine energy and means of expression as weakness. That is to say, standing in our feminine voice and power when we speak up for ourselves seems like a very hard thing to do.
I am the first to admit that speaking from the heart and yet be firm, grounded, loving and strong (sadly, often to defend oneself) IS a very hard thing to do! I’ve had countless situations trying me out on this topic for the past two years (since I moved to Sweden actually) and I have been burnt along the way. So, one of those situations was this.
How did I answer? I decided to go with Balance. I answered that I respect her profession and would be happy to pay her for her services. However, this specific situation wanted me to rather have her present as a sister and support than hiring her as a professional. I completely ignored her harsh tone and tried to be both clear and loving in what I sent back. The emoticons returned. Sadly, she later chose not to show up as a support either. I let it go.
Where am I going with this?
A whole new situation arose during the intensity of September this year (2016), trying me out on a new level. This was a much more severe betrayal from a sister and I was and have been struggling with finding the Balance….
To try understanding and untangling the mess of lessons, I write this story. Because that is what I do. I am a writer. I write. I process through writing. I express, create and give it out to the Universe to compost. Hopefully, someone else aids from hearing the stories I share along the way. I am called to share this story, to get it out from my body and give peace to baby and me. I wish to be objective and clear, not to hurt anybody, but yes I am sharing it from my heart’s perspective (again, balance).
So the story goes:
For a while, I hade been feeling some weird distortion in the energies with the lady I hired to be my doula and as we moved into Mercury Retrograde and the end of the eclipse season, the feeling got stronger. Communication was completely off, she seemed to be unable to answer any of my and my husband’s questions- even the most simple ones about a date to meet and was using the kind of vague “female language” explained earlier the times she actually answered anything at all. She withheld information from us and the uncomfortable feeling inside me grew bigger. I tried to express how I felt and asked about her lack of communication, asking her to please share if her focus was elsewhere. She said that no, it wasn’t.
Just before the September full moon, I met with a friend who also tried to have this same lady as her doula. However, she had experienced the same things with her: ambivalent behaviors, lack of answers and commitment etc. My friend shared with me how she had come to realize the importance of trusting herself, her voice and her man to speak for her if needed in labor. Hence, she had finally sent a message to the doula and explained she didn’t need her services for these reasons and thanked her. Suddenly, the lady’s behavior changed and she wrote a bunch of information to my friend in regards to her previous questions. A tiny bit too late…
Listening to my friend’s story, how she stood up for herself and how she found this voice of NO and the trust in her as well as her partner had a vast impact on me. During the three full days of the moon in Pisces and its eclipse, this story opened new realizations and insights for me. To start with, I saw and see now how this is true for me too. It is part of my journey to speak lovingly from the heart, be true to myself always and yet firmly stand up for myself and my beliefs. Thus, I didn’t need her services? As this from the beginning was the main reason for us to hire a doula, i.e. in the unlikely event that we go to the hospital to birth our baby we wanted someone to help us advocate.
As this realization took place in my body, more insights were to come. Suddenly, I saw clearly how letting go of this energy would create more flow and openings in my life. I saw excess in resource energy and needed to let this person go to create Balance and open up for more to unfold. Rather, I invited my soul sister to be the support she always is and has been for me. I am deeply grateful that she accepted and will share this journey with us!
However, I still needed to express myself to the doula. It was hard but I needed to do it straight away, no postponing! As I had no idea when I was going to see her next (both due to her lack of answers and me not being able to drive 30kms to see her right now), I chose to write her. Even though it would be preferred to have that type of conversation in person, I’m glad I did. I now have the entire absurd conversation in black and white (a good reminder of Balancing communication). This is what I wrote (translated from Swedish):
“Hi (…), I hope all is well and that you had a nice full moon weekend. I’d rather meet and talk but feel that this is important to express as soon as possible and honestly, I cant say when I’ll be able to go to town since I no longer drive myself and I am dependent of others.
After you told me how you felt and during this strong full moon, I’ve had quite a few insights and clarity coming through. Now I understand that I have been unclear and that the energies that I felt as non-focused are because of this. As I’ve mentioned before, it is challenging for me to invite this many people to be part of my intimate journey. At times I have felt that we are TOO many, something that has become more evident the last few days and I understand that this excess of recourses creates stagnation in the energetic flow. Excess or shortage in energies always create imbalance, regardless of kind of energy such as health, money, food, resources etc. I needed to release myself from the illusion of security that forms in such material excess. I also needed to realize that my voice is strong and to have faith in me and my husband and all the wisdom we have inside and around us. Thanks to the meditations this weekend I understand this now. So far I have been in need of your support and knowledge and I am very grateful for what you have given us! Now, we need to continue this journey without that support.
I have understood that you are following several couples right now and it is my wish that your precious and important knowledge and experience will be used and focused with them. As I said, we are deeply grateful for your guidance so far and please let me know if you want compensation. I know that our roads crossed paths for several reasons and I am sure that we will cooperate in different ways in the future! While I am writing this, the thought of me doing something stupid has crossed my mind several times but I need to follow and listen to the guidance my heart gives. I hope you understand!
Love and respect,
Again, I did the best I could in trying to Balance my communication of a clear concrete tune whilst coming from my loving heart. Speaking up for myself in a clear and coherent manner while being loving and true from the heart is my aim in all situations, even though I don’t always succeed. So, the whole thing felt like a break-up, and in a way it was of course. The answer I got back was sad, trying to make me feel bad. I didn’t. I felt relieved and I remembered my heart’s wish and the words of my friend “no more people pleasing!”
As I wrote back, asking for the information about the birth pool she claimed to have booked for us, hell and chaos broke out…
I had tried for weeks to get information and answers about the pool but with no luck. All I asked for now was the contact information to the lady who rented the pool so that I could continue the conversation. As she ignored me, I instantly felt that something was wrong and so I myself found and contacted the person she had claimed to have booked the pool with.
There was no reservation. There was no pool.
Now, this could make anyone upset, imagine a very pregnant woman! Yes, I was upset and frankly shocked. I wrote and confronted her. From here, a messy cobweb of lies and nasty messages came towards me. I kept asking, “is there a pool?” She insinuated that she did have a pool that she didn’t want to offer us since we cancelled the collaboration. This got me sad and even more shocked- I had seen this woman as a loving and caring human being and soul that I invited to my most intimate journey! I never expected her to move into extremity of the masculine energy in this way; greediness, envy, betrayal, clinging to mine-yours ownership etc. Without ever giving me a complete answer, she blocked me from writing her. Thus, the last thing I wrote was this:
“ Since you blocked me, I write this last message from here (my husband's account ed. note).
So, what you are saying is that the first thing you did when you read my message about how I feel is to cancel the pool? Your first thought and action were in some kind of revenge? There was never any oral nor written agreement that it was part of your mission (to get the pool ed. note) but something you offered to do and we accepted the help gratefully. Nor was it mentioned that you, thereby, would deny us the pool or the contact information to the renter in case of cancellation (nothing in regards of this either). In addition, it is a very non-humane thing to do, far from loving or with respect and care for your fellow human beings. I did not expect this from you and it makes me sad that you choose to treat us like that.”
A bunch of messages came through, revealing more and more lies, speaking against her and what not. She also claimed I threatened her (as you can see in my messages, I clearly did no such thing. But yes, I did move into a way more harsh way of communicating, i.e. the masculine side.) Further, I’ve had three different people reading the conversation and all find it weird.
To remind myself, I want to make clear that I am NOT sharing this to “be right” or ask for anyone to “join my side”. I am sharing this in an attempt to let go of the whole energetic situation and the negativity it has caused me and my family. But most of all, I share it to try to understand the lessons I need to see and learn from this. It might be one of the heavier lessons of Balance life’s ever thrown at me:
Speak your voice, firmly but always from a place of love!
The masculine, analytical, I-must-be-right, left brain, competitive side of me says: “I have proof! I have everything she’s been lying about in black and white! I can prove I am right!” Yes, I can. But to whom? And WHAT FOR?
My feminine, flowing, loving, let-it-be, right brain, we-are-all-one side says: “Let it all gooooo! There is no more to talk about. Put the swords down, there are no winners in war and more talking wont get you closer to understanding. You need to let it go to be in your Light.”
This side, the voice of the Divine Feminine, is where I wish to move deeper into. This is the Higher purpose. I remind myself of this valuable insight in these challenging times.
A doula should be close to the family, a sister and part of the tribe. Truth is, I got deeply hurt by this backstabbing behavior as a response to me putting my heart in a vulnerable place. I saw, once more, how polarities in communication shifted- in both of us, creating a mistrust in Sisterhood. For a moment, misanthropy wanted to grow in my body but I wouldn’t let it. I turned every stone I could to find the Love and Balance Libra is talking about, at the same time as I was exhaling negativity and waiting for a change of the planets’ constellations….
So, HOW to find the Balance I am talking about in this mess? I returned to my creations and got reminded that I stand by my heart, my words, my work and my mission to empower women and bring our – The Divine Feminine- voices back! I do what I’d advice anybody to do; express myself in creative arts. I write my story and I let go of hurt and illusions of separation because showing my vulnerability makes me stronger. And, I am fully aware this story shows my vulnerability even more. I stand strong.
In one of her webs of lies, it became clear that she is afraid of my Feminine Powers. This makes me sad and unfortunately happens every so often in various ways. We all have these powers, we are all carriers of our ancestors, we are our ancestors and we are Mother Earth. We all have the possibility to empower one and other. It is a choice to make. Do you dare to see the Other as your mirror? Do you dare to stare into your powers?
It is a choice we make and through Balanced relationships we bring our voices back, individually as well as collectively- we raise the voice of the Divine Feminine and, thus, BALANCE polarities as we move deeper into the new paradigm. Awareness is what it’s all about…
I do see and realize shit will hurt along the way. Things will fall and sometimes be messy. Relations must die for new to grow. I will always continue to love. I will always continue my practice of speaking my voice, firmly from the loving place of the heart; to find Balance in my way of communicating that is expressive, true, grounded, loving and powerful (without downgrading the Feminine Energy anymore!). I stand strong in the voice that speaks up for myself and my family.
I know I am not perfect. It is all practice and I might hurt someone sometime but I do my very best and Karma might come to bite me if I’m not aware enough!
So, I write this story and I let it all go. Writing this is my Practice. Sharing it is my practice. If one single person reads this story and hears something in the heart, it is my practice. As well as if no one ever reads it.
I hereby release it to the Universe! I give it to Mother Earth to transform into soil where it can become food for something else! I hereby, declare Balance and Love in relationships with myself and the Other!
Así es Así es Así es